There's no Big Public Apologies these Days

If fame ever crossed my door (unlikely at this stage granted, with only a few fuckable years left in me) the minute I found myself doing weekly shops in M&S without a care in the world I would hire a personal apology writer. Because let’s face it, the chance of me fucking it up would be high.

I’ve noticed recently online there seems to be a lack of good quality public apologies these days. Personally I think our personalities are missing a trick because history has proven their power.

Hugh Grant certainly didn't want to apologise to anyone but Liz and I'd say he was even pretty sheepish about that. But by golly he reddy well did it. Or when Reese and her husband got jarred and started acting the maggot she apologised.  Poor auld Reese just wanted to get a 3 in 1 and have a day on the couch but she dusted off her southern bell twang and apologised to everyone as if it had somehow affect them. I could go on.

We as the great unwashed love an apology. It lets us know our beloved public figures are just like us. They didn't get into privileged positions because they are higher beings, no 90% of it was luck. And the apology has great power for the apology maker too. Exhausting questions and comments along the lines of 'this is unacceptable, you should be stripe of all your celebrity niceties etc’ can be almost diluted with a good apology. Unless it actually was unacceptable then you’re fucked.

In the unlikely event that anyone starts caring about what I say I wanted to do mine in advance, just in case

‘On reflection I can see (insert whatever it is here) was unacceptable. I sincerely apologise to anyone this may have hurt. There are no excuses for my behaviour. Going forward I will do better. This should not of happening and I am truly sorry’

Please feel free to edit this if you ever need it. But bear in mind though, this style of apology is the ‘I said something off the charts’ level 2 because that’s what I’d probably need. You’ll need a different template for level 3-10 shit. And remember

If you are going to apologise, apologise for the actually thing people are pissed off about

Don’t mention ‘I’ve been going through a hard time’ for this little millisecond its not about you (just pretend)

And the screenshot of ‘This is why I actually deleted the thing not because it went down badly’. Yeah don’t do that

Anyway again I just want to say I’m sorry I fucked up. I need to and will do better.