Waiting for my daily fix of ,'oohhh that's a big increase isn't it?' as I toddle off to the downstairs jacks to masturbate to the thought of never having to sit in an office ever again is now a thing of the past.
I'm back to my usual hit of adrenaline- complaining about what a shit show my local Supervalu is yet continuing to go there every couple of days to tut tut at the scaldy bananas that look like they've spent a summer in the bottom of a school bag.
Summer traditionally starts to creepy in for me around the now. Marking the end of having to ensure my younger children look somewhat presentable. All while chatting to other parents about the weather at a meteorologist standard and remembering to nod and smile in the right places. Sure Tommy (5) and Joe (7) haven't been in school since March but it will be a bit of a break.
Joe's teacher truly is all inclusive as she sends school work in all fucking formats, pdf, power piont, word, web links. youtube and of course the class dojo and the webex. Fair play to Joe though. I recently discovered he doesn't know how to turn off his camera but once he's given his input he's off. Leaving Ms Reynolds to enjoy watching me potter around the kitchen picking my knickers out of my hole and eating ham slices straight out of the fridge.
Turning off the camera is critical for me during work zoom calls so I can vape my brains out without judgement. I now have a permanent dent in my bottom lip so I'm debating whether to just get the vape surgically attached to avoid potential carpal tunnel. I won't rush into any decisions. Rushing is a thing of the old world now anyway.
I've been contemplating buying a hollywood bronzer for a number of weeks now. In case you didn't know. A hollywood bronzer is a stanley knife for your head. 'If you want to spend more time fixating on normal body than you already do not why not start shaving your big potato head' is the tagline. And of course you know its not a piece of plastic shit because it has Hollywood in the name. I think if I'm to be true to myself on this one I'll wait until the evenings are getting darker. That way I'll never have time to do it with any natural light and I'll have fuzz patches all over my face in time for Christmas.
I’ll be able to devote more time now to essential purchases as the school parents whatsapp groups should begin to ease as well. Karen, if you’re reading this (I’m sure you are you nosey bitch) I’ve no doubt you heard that the schools aren't going to open again till 2023 and as you said all of our children will begin to walk on all 4 and in turn communicate only in a primative tongue clicking language, but could you fuck off sharing your shit memes that even my mam saw months ago into the group, ta.
I've gone back to bad habits of checking Daily Mail showbiz page multiple times a day. I'm ashamed of myself but it is reassuring to know female celebrities can still pour their enviable curves into clothes made by poverty stricken children during these strange and worrying times. A pesky pandemic shouldn't lessen the showcasing of toned torsos.
It's not all positivity though. Going places and seeing people in real life is becoming fashionable once again. Fuck.
Anyway I’m off to scroll on twitter aimlessly and find out what new thing Louise McSharry is outraged by.
What’s new ?