A Bout of the Broodiness

With this coviy baby boom maybe I should get involved and go for number 4?

A baby boom is expected in Ireland in 2021 as a result of the coviy and sure none of us are surprised. As my late granny used to say 'a ride is as good as a rest' or something like that.

It's a dangerous time for someone like me though. I love babies, their bellies, their bums, their cuddles- I mean Jesus the smell of them, not even Jo Malone herself could bottle that. But I definitely do not want another baby. I've done it and I'm still doing it just with bigger, talking, walking types that raid presses and ask a lot of questions 

Myself and mother nature have had a funny relationship where she loves to give me a pregnancy when I'm busy minding my own business drifting up shit creek paddle less. So I'm on high alert during these uncertain times and have devised  a series of precautions I can take if I feel a bout of broodiness coming on ( apart from snorting my pill everyday of course) 

1. Step on some lego barefoot

  1. Speed eat a meal standing up while simultaneously needing to wee but being too hunger to stop 

3. Set an alarm for 1am, 2.30, 2.45, 3.30 and 5am and go and sway on the landing each time until the alarm goes off …..and then just start again

4. Put a clean top on and sprinkle some vomit on it 

  1. Go up and down the stairs with a buggie for awhile

6. Go check out the price of nappies again 

7. Pull out some of my hair- and not in a sexy way- in a little chubby baby dead grip kind of way 

8. Cover my hands with jam and touch everything in the house

9. Watch in The Night Garden for a whole day none stop

10. Try to do a shite as quickly as possible while constipated 

  1. Make myself a cup of tea and let it go cold before I get to drink it - actually do this a good few times a day 

12. Make my bed and then ask someone to puke on it 

  1. Go and hide my keys when I'm already running late

14. Sing Nursery Rhymes for someone else's entertainment while trying to have a shower for the first time in 3 days 

15. Eat left over toast crusts instead of making myself a lunch 

16. Have an aul exhaustion cry 

17. Fuck a packet of crackers on a carpet and mash them in

18. Block the toilet with toilet rolls

19. Once I've unblocked the toilet I throw my hairbrush down there 

20. If needs be, do it all again tomorrow

Big love to all the expecting mammas at the minute especially my podcast partner Julie Johnson - you’ll love it! (promise)